Mikee likes to refer to herself in the third person sometimes.
This is her 5th online journal and she solemnly swears that she will update it with posts that are descriptive of her current emotional state, current happenings and memories close to her heart.
Even if it’s a dumb story, telling it changes other people just the slightest little bit, just as living the story changes me. An infinitesimal change. And that infinitesimal change ripples outward –ever forgotten, but the stories will last. And so we all matter –maybe less than a lot, but always more than none.
–An Abundance of Katherines, John Green
It is crucial for her to find Anne through her stories, for Anne is the adult who knows the difference between right and wrong and acts after deciding carefully without letting her soft side take over. Mikee is controlled by her child self who is deeply fascinated with all things bright and beautiful. Her parent self, contemplates her actions and guides her with virtues close to home. And if you don’t know what the metaphor means, think id, ego, superego -
concepts from Psychology, a science she spent 4 years of college studying.
She leaves it to your better judgment to decide if her thoughts are worth sharing and if Anne is worth finding.
Red flags. Red flags everywhere. My gut says no but my heart says go.
What should I do?
It’s pathetic how I often I have breakdowns about something as ridiculous as money. I’m currently working 3 jobs (2 with irregular pay but whatever, I’ll take what I can get) and I barely have enough for my daily expenses. I still haven’t paid my debts (thank you K and generous parents). And I still have to come to terms for not being able to go to grad school next semester.
I don’t think I’m smart enough to qualify for a scholarship so don’t even think about suggesting that.
What I hate the most about this is how angry I get whenever I see friends carelessly (or carefully, who am I to judge really?) throwing away their money on branded clothes, fancy food and other worldly objects. The other side of the world I live in thrives in luxury while I go to work everyday and see my dear students fighting over a peso and staring hungrily at the canteen tray. Also, here I am trying to do good in the world and I can’t even afford to buy myself decent shoes for school. I’ve worn down 3 pairs already and it’s not getting prettier overtime.
I am angrier that I can’t blame my friends for having money or for enjoying the fruits of their labor in the same way that I can’t blame my students’ parents for being poor. It is unfair as it can possibly get but I refuse to accept “this is just the way things are” as an answer.
I suck at making titles but whatever.
STAY AWAY FROM THE SUVS!!!
I’m horrible at anything that involves hand-eye coordination. This means that I will always lose in Dance Dance Revolution and duck my way out of ball sports. I also never outgrew training wheels (being the ate meant having to drive a pedicab with my two younger brothers in the side car) so I never learned how to bike. #epicfail
Today, I saw a little bit of my dad in my not-so-little brother when he taught me how to ride a bike. We hobbled (yes, I was walking and dragging the bike with me) along Salcedo Park for an hour. As usual, I was scared that I would fall over. It also didn’t help that I can see some passers-by snickering. Kilo suggested we move to the parking lot of his family’s condominium nearby to avoid people and cars. Jao patiently guided me cheering me on with funny things like, “remember, I taught you how to gargle when we were kids” #anotherepicfail “the same blood runs through our veins, if I can do it then so can you.” and “don’t be afraid, just let yourself go…but don’t hit the expensive cars.” He held on to my bike, jogging while I pedaled, until I learned to do it on my own. For the longest time, I couldn’t understand what it meant to counterbalance (It’s one thing know what it means, it’s another to actually do it) until my brother said, “just wiggle it [the handles] if you feel like you’re about to fall.”
Our father has a way of simplifying things when he teaches. He uses terms you will understand better and he is always patient with the process. He will also celebrate what little progress you have had and still make you feel like you’re the best at what you do. I was happy to have seen a glimpse of him in my brother today. Sometimes, I worry about Jao and his approach to things but now I have a feeling that he will do just fine.
I never realized that you can learn a lot about a person with the way he teaches someone how to bike until today. If ever you get to read this, Daddy and Mommy, now more than ever, I believe that you raised this little boy well. :)
This little one can take care of himself now.
Masarap sigurong maalagaan at mapagtuunan ng pansin.
Kahit minsan lang.
1. I don’t know how we became best friends first and strangers last.
2. I wish you didn’t spend so much money on material things;
3. or at least I wish I understood this little obsession of yours more.
4. I don’t know how to write without remembering you.
5. I don’t know how to remember you without remembering hurt.
I’ve always been insecure about my writing. I don’t mind being judged by my looks, my teaching style or even the way I speak but I can’t shake the feeling that when words spill out of me
they’re never good enough.
DISCLAIMER: There is nothing insightful or pretty about this post. Just a little rant about today.