Notes on the first Monday of November

The passivity is driving me insane.

I should be used to this by now, but I cannot fathom how we persist with a clear lack of initiative and an aversion to responsibility.

I am trying to decide if I thrive better in a highly-competitive environment or a laxed one. I think it’s the former. Stress, I can manage but inaction will be the death of me.

On a somewhat (but not really) related note, I think I hold on because it’s the only thing that’s constant in my life. The instability and uncertainty can be too much to deal with sometimes but I’d rather chose dysfunction than face this all alone. I hope to snap out of it one day, but for now this is the only way I can cope.

In an alternate universe, I would’ve considered a probable option but today I realized why it could and would hit a dead end. We don’t operate in the same terms and in spite of my undeniable affinity to Y, certain forces will only tear it apart.

Literally and figuratively speaking, nothing makes sense.

Not yet, at least.


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